Heart-shaped box
I wonder about people who keep their feelings hemmed in. Those people who put their feelings in a box and shut them away so no one sees them and they don't have to feel. See, I have always dreamed of being able to do that. I have tried many times - Completely unsuccessfully may I add.
Without exception the box leaks or disintegrates or blows up leaving my feelings out in the world and me having to feel them or deal with them somehow. I simply can't figure out the knack of keeping them locked away and I'm not really sure if I'll ever manage it.
In my head, people who manage to live their lives without divulging the contents of their heart or who don't engage their hearts at all are one of two things:
What is it about being able to hold all the emotion in that resonates with me?? My heart is, to my (and my beautiful and patient friends') dismay, wide open. It seems not to understand the difference between careful buyers and people looking for their next victim.
If i get all trampled up and hurt by the opposite sex, I can usually hide about half of my feelings in the box but the rest just won't fit. There are too many of them and they're too goddamn big. How do other people manage??How do they fit them in? Were they given bigger boxes?
There is also another element to consider. I don't just fall in love... I throw myself head first into it without thinking completely at odds with any logical thought. It's the 'feelings equivalent' of running headlong into a lions den with steaks strapped all over my body whilst yelling and ringing a dinner bell. Clearly I'm going to get mauled... But I'm smiling about it. Is it romantic? Is it the very definition of madness? Is it flat out stupidity or something more like a death wish? I can't work it out.
Some people are miles ahead at being guarded with their emotions. Some people are EXCELLENT at it. I mean... SUPERB. And if you're one of those people, I salute you and curse you at the same time.
Is it something I can learn or am I doomed to fail forever? Is it just that my heart is too big for standard issue boxes? Or...(and this is a shockingly SIMPLE revelation)... Is it that I need to stop giving my heart to people who wish to tear it apart?
That seems like a ridiculous question to ask, doesn't it? I mean the answer is clearly yes. A resounding YES that vibrates through your chest and makes you feel slightly sick. but HOW? How do you change your modus operandi? How do you alter your genetic predisposition for letting people fuck your shit up?
Is being chronically bad at love, the figurative equivalent of chronic heart failure? If it is, i need a doctor - pronto.
<3 Foof xxx
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| Pic: moonlessnightgirl on DeviantArt |
Without exception the box leaks or disintegrates or blows up leaving my feelings out in the world and me having to feel them or deal with them somehow. I simply can't figure out the knack of keeping them locked away and I'm not really sure if I'll ever manage it.
In my head, people who manage to live their lives without divulging the contents of their heart or who don't engage their hearts at all are one of two things:
- They are stoic, strong, brave and almost heroic for not laying their emotions bare like us mere humans. They leave emotional moments for when they are truly alone and never share their anguish/pain/joy/love with anyone.
(If a little bit of emotion sneaks out for any reason it's devastating.) - They're living half a life.
(and they'll end up wishing they were more like us mere mortals. Us open hearted losers with our unmanageable feelings all over the place like confetti at a wedding)
What is it about being able to hold all the emotion in that resonates with me?? My heart is, to my (and my beautiful and patient friends') dismay, wide open. It seems not to understand the difference between careful buyers and people looking for their next victim.
If i get all trampled up and hurt by the opposite sex, I can usually hide about half of my feelings in the box but the rest just won't fit. There are too many of them and they're too goddamn big. How do other people manage??How do they fit them in? Were they given bigger boxes?
There is also another element to consider. I don't just fall in love... I throw myself head first into it without thinking completely at odds with any logical thought. It's the 'feelings equivalent' of running headlong into a lions den with steaks strapped all over my body whilst yelling and ringing a dinner bell. Clearly I'm going to get mauled... But I'm smiling about it. Is it romantic? Is it the very definition of madness? Is it flat out stupidity or something more like a death wish? I can't work it out.
Some people are miles ahead at being guarded with their emotions. Some people are EXCELLENT at it. I mean... SUPERB. And if you're one of those people, I salute you and curse you at the same time.
Is it something I can learn or am I doomed to fail forever? Is it just that my heart is too big for standard issue boxes? Or...(and this is a shockingly SIMPLE revelation)... Is it that I need to stop giving my heart to people who wish to tear it apart?
That seems like a ridiculous question to ask, doesn't it? I mean the answer is clearly yes. A resounding YES that vibrates through your chest and makes you feel slightly sick. but HOW? How do you change your modus operandi? How do you alter your genetic predisposition for letting people fuck your shit up?
Is being chronically bad at love, the figurative equivalent of chronic heart failure? If it is, i need a doctor - pronto.
<3 Foof xxx
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