Mirror time...
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? I mean, really looked at yourself. Not, while you’re doing your hair or brushing your teeth... but have you ever taken the time to just look into your own eyes and see yourself? Checking our reflection is something we do every day... but how many times did you actually look at yourself? How often do you truly see yourself from the outside in?
I always think it’s really funny that I can’t see my own face as I go about my own day. I can see everyone’s but my own... and everyone can see mine, but not theirs. In a culture where we place so much emphasis on how we look, and so much of our communication is non verbal, it strikes me as funny that I don’t know at any given time, how my face looks. How other people see me, what my eyes say when I’m talking to my friends, or what my facial expressions are like when I’m angry, or sad, or confused.
You could, at this point, refer me to the Mr Men books and explain what an angry face looks like... but it’s not the emotion I don’t recognise, it’s my own interpretation that I’m unable to spot. Some people can look at me and know there’s something wrong, even if no-one else sees it. It’s weird that I am unable to interpret my OWN face, with the same cues I use to understand the faces of others.
You could say that I should know what’s going on in my own head. I should always know how i’m TRULY feeling, but the truth too is an elusive concept. It’s so elastic that it’s completely immeasurable.
How honest are you with other people? Would you tell your friend if they looked fat in those trousers? Would you be honest that they have a problem with body odour? Would you tell her if you saw her man kissing another woman? I struggle with that kind of honesty.
It depends on the situation, right? You have to judge and weigh up how honest you should be, in proportion with how much good you’re actually doing with the truth. Tact is a quality that I believe you have to learn in order to cause the least amount of damage to those around you. The truth is a weapon. It can build things up and make wonderful things happen, but it can also cause pain and destruction. So, how much truth should you use in order to negotiate situations that happen in life? If you protect those around you from the sometimes brutal realities of existence in the world today, are you doing them a favour? Are you then, doing yourself a disservice?
In my experience, I have always protected those around me. For whatever subconscious reason, I want to protect them in ways that are completely ridiculous. You tell a white lie here and there to spare someone’s feelings and if you continue with the small lies and covering up, slowly it becomes habit.
In my case, I began covering up my emotions to spare those of other people, bottling up my reactions, thoughts and feelings so as not to ‘rock the boat’. Eventually I started to believe I was good at it. Repression of my innermost thoughts, desires, dreams and feelings had become second nature. I freely divulged positive thoughts and feelings, but continued suppressing all the negative ones until I got to this point.
Part of me would like to be completely open and truthful with my friends and family, but the bigger part of me tells me not to hurt them. It’s a vicious cycle. One I don’t know how to break. It can run on a small scale, over a cross word with a friend, or on a massive scale with a boy who breaks my heart. I feel an overwhelming compulsion with whoever has upset me, to makes things right again. If it lasts for any length of time, it cripples me, so I make it right with them no matter what the cost. The fear of negative reactions so consumes my being that I don’t lash out at those who upset me, I keep it all inside. Festering.
I’ve heard all the right things to say in this situation – be true to yourself, it’s in your hands, only you can take control of what you do – I’m an old hand at dishing out sensible logical advice to those who need it. It’s just that my judgement is ridiculously skewed with my own problems. If someone told me to simply let out my feelings, I’d probably nod at them, rather than screaming in their face (which internally I would want to do) and agree that they’re right. Which they are. It’s just that faced with a situation where honesty is called for and feelings are on the line, I become unable to follow through with it and just be honest.
I can be honest where no negative emotion is involved, but put me in a situation where real feelings are on the line, or I’m going to cause an argument or upset someone if I’m honest about my feelings, and I’ll lie right to your face, and bottle up my emotions.
It affects me even when I think I’m OK. If there has been a disagreement, even after I’ve made it right with the other person, two days later or even a week later, I have moments of complete desolation and melancholy. Then if I suppress it enough, I start to feel OK again. I start to forget the negative thoughts and feelings. In time, they ebb away and the world seems to right itself again. Until the next hurdle.
As I get older I’m starting to wonder whether or not my destructive romantic behaviour is a way of prodding my subconscious to let my innermost feelings out. I’m a highly emotional person, not that many people who know me would tell you that. Am I emotionally self harming to let the feelings out a bit? If I am, then there must be a way to stop it, to let them out whilst leading a full and happy life, with my friends and family around me. I just don’t know how to manage it.
You fool yourself into thinking that you’re OK, that you’re happy and that you’re leading the best life you can. You can lie to yourself till you’re blue in the face. Contrary to popular belief, you’ll believe your own lies faster than anyone... but then one day, you’ll catch sight of yourself in the mirror, and realise you can’t look yourself in the eye.
I always think it’s really funny that I can’t see my own face as I go about my own day. I can see everyone’s but my own... and everyone can see mine, but not theirs. In a culture where we place so much emphasis on how we look, and so much of our communication is non verbal, it strikes me as funny that I don’t know at any given time, how my face looks. How other people see me, what my eyes say when I’m talking to my friends, or what my facial expressions are like when I’m angry, or sad, or confused.
You could, at this point, refer me to the Mr Men books and explain what an angry face looks like... but it’s not the emotion I don’t recognise, it’s my own interpretation that I’m unable to spot. Some people can look at me and know there’s something wrong, even if no-one else sees it. It’s weird that I am unable to interpret my OWN face, with the same cues I use to understand the faces of others.
You could say that I should know what’s going on in my own head. I should always know how i’m TRULY feeling, but the truth too is an elusive concept. It’s so elastic that it’s completely immeasurable.
How honest are you with other people? Would you tell your friend if they looked fat in those trousers? Would you be honest that they have a problem with body odour? Would you tell her if you saw her man kissing another woman? I struggle with that kind of honesty.
It depends on the situation, right? You have to judge and weigh up how honest you should be, in proportion with how much good you’re actually doing with the truth. Tact is a quality that I believe you have to learn in order to cause the least amount of damage to those around you. The truth is a weapon. It can build things up and make wonderful things happen, but it can also cause pain and destruction. So, how much truth should you use in order to negotiate situations that happen in life? If you protect those around you from the sometimes brutal realities of existence in the world today, are you doing them a favour? Are you then, doing yourself a disservice?
In my experience, I have always protected those around me. For whatever subconscious reason, I want to protect them in ways that are completely ridiculous. You tell a white lie here and there to spare someone’s feelings and if you continue with the small lies and covering up, slowly it becomes habit.
In my case, I began covering up my emotions to spare those of other people, bottling up my reactions, thoughts and feelings so as not to ‘rock the boat’. Eventually I started to believe I was good at it. Repression of my innermost thoughts, desires, dreams and feelings had become second nature. I freely divulged positive thoughts and feelings, but continued suppressing all the negative ones until I got to this point.
Part of me would like to be completely open and truthful with my friends and family, but the bigger part of me tells me not to hurt them. It’s a vicious cycle. One I don’t know how to break. It can run on a small scale, over a cross word with a friend, or on a massive scale with a boy who breaks my heart. I feel an overwhelming compulsion with whoever has upset me, to makes things right again. If it lasts for any length of time, it cripples me, so I make it right with them no matter what the cost. The fear of negative reactions so consumes my being that I don’t lash out at those who upset me, I keep it all inside. Festering.
I’ve heard all the right things to say in this situation – be true to yourself, it’s in your hands, only you can take control of what you do – I’m an old hand at dishing out sensible logical advice to those who need it. It’s just that my judgement is ridiculously skewed with my own problems. If someone told me to simply let out my feelings, I’d probably nod at them, rather than screaming in their face (which internally I would want to do) and agree that they’re right. Which they are. It’s just that faced with a situation where honesty is called for and feelings are on the line, I become unable to follow through with it and just be honest.
I can be honest where no negative emotion is involved, but put me in a situation where real feelings are on the line, or I’m going to cause an argument or upset someone if I’m honest about my feelings, and I’ll lie right to your face, and bottle up my emotions.
It affects me even when I think I’m OK. If there has been a disagreement, even after I’ve made it right with the other person, two days later or even a week later, I have moments of complete desolation and melancholy. Then if I suppress it enough, I start to feel OK again. I start to forget the negative thoughts and feelings. In time, they ebb away and the world seems to right itself again. Until the next hurdle.
As I get older I’m starting to wonder whether or not my destructive romantic behaviour is a way of prodding my subconscious to let my innermost feelings out. I’m a highly emotional person, not that many people who know me would tell you that. Am I emotionally self harming to let the feelings out a bit? If I am, then there must be a way to stop it, to let them out whilst leading a full and happy life, with my friends and family around me. I just don’t know how to manage it.
You fool yourself into thinking that you’re OK, that you’re happy and that you’re leading the best life you can. You can lie to yourself till you’re blue in the face. Contrary to popular belief, you’ll believe your own lies faster than anyone... but then one day, you’ll catch sight of yourself in the mirror, and realise you can’t look yourself in the eye.
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