A change will do you good...

Change. I've never been one who enjoys it. Some people claim to, but I would argue that these people are big fat liars.

In fact it has generally had profoundly disturbing effects on me. It always seems to feel very negative and emotional. No matter how small the change may be on the outside... it still seems massive.

I fight against this tendency to look upon change unfavourably though, as I believe in my heart of hearts (when my logic is engaged) that change is, despite deceptive appearances, mostly GOOD. 

Without change there is no progression or growth - this I know. Yet when change is thrust upon me, I am almost always unwilling. Sometimes HUMUNGOUS amounts of unwilling. 

Then, without warning, I adapt and grow to love it. My backwards approach seems to just be how I process the information. 

It's a bit like the 'Fiona-Simpson-seven-steps-to-accepting-change-programme' which goes something like this:

 

ANGER at the bare faced cheek of change insinutating it is required. 
Then lashings of DENIAL and ignoring of any aforementioned requirement.
Followed wholeheartedly with copious amounts of RESENTMENT and gratuitous grumbling about said change. Next we almost certainly have (RELUCTANT) ACCEPTANCE of changing things. Then eventual ADAPTATION to new circumstance, moving swiftly onto EMBRACING of the change in question. Finally we arrive at ENJOYMENT and FULFILLMENT at new circumstance (and let's face it, probably saying it was my idea in the first place).

What am I banging on about you may ask. And, I shall tell you!  It just might take a bit of explaining - so bear with me.

At the start of this year (the glorious 2010) I began to question my life and my choices in it and  I approached this task with an anxious conviction and heartfelt soul searching that only twenty-somethings can muster.

Various feelings and questions began bubbling up inside me and yelled at me, each desperate to have their say. I did my very best to ignore these bubblings for quite some time, however they did not subside. I realised quickly that some kind of drastic change was needed in my life but accepting the notion and freely applying it are two very different things.

The feelings got stronger and stronger until I sat down and listened to them with my head in my hands. 

People, as i said in my previous blog, seem to think that being true to yourself is a simple thing to carry out. Personally, i have always felt that the 'real me' is hiding. I always feel like I have yet to find the real Fiona. I catch glimpses of her, through the trees and she seems to be enjoying herself, but I cant quite get close enough to her to get a grasp on who I am and what I REALLY want from life. So, when it came to making decisions regarding being true to myself, and valuing myself to the detriment of some of the people (who i greatly value) in my life, I needed some help from my lovely mum. She gave me some much needed tips on 'How to listen to yourself 101'. The voice inside me telling me I was unhappy and expressing the distinct need for change had been suppressed for so long that I couldn't hear it any more, but the feelings were real enough.  I didn't enjoy this part one bit.

I ummmed and ahhhed over the decisions I knew I would make and then finally summoned the courage to make them. I started out by being honest with people. It meant truly reflecting on my friends and their overall contribution to my happiness. Some of it I did on my own, and some it was forced upon me... and it was a painful process which is still fairly raw if I'm honest.

As a consequence, I now find myself in a position where some of the people I truly held dear are no longer a part of me and my life. Or at least, not in the same capacity as they once were. Of course, I still have my job... some of the same group of people around me, the same loving family but I guess, as a result of the changes, my priorities have shifted.

Ahh life-altering mind-bending soul-crushing change... how I wish I could meet your steely gaze with an equally strong and metallic facial expression and just nod my head, and say...  

"Where to now, change? Let us joyfully go forth into the unknown!".

but, somehow, I can't see that happening any time soon.

However, as many tears as I have cried over it all, a sense of calm has also descended. I'm really beginning to feel like this change is ACTUALLY good. 

Maybe, it's true what they say and the end of an era is just the beginning of the next one.

I can't say i know what is to come BUT... I can say that given the choice of continuing as I was or going with the change (despite not knowing what's in store)... I now choose the next chapter.

If that's not progress, I don't know what is.

Hurrah for change. 

I wonder what's next... 

(For the full recomended foof-blog experience, please imagine David Bowie's Ch-h-ch-ch-changes playing to you as you ponder on that....)